Day 39! a pause

“Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Only assholes do that.” ― Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

Not sure what is going on, but I can’t seem to locate my oomph.  My grit & drive.  My gung-ho attitude towards training & running & tracking mileage fell out of my pack somewhere back on the trail. wahhhhhh.  I know, I know. This is not war.  I am not living out of my car, being tortured or struggling to feed my child.  No one close to me is dying.  I’ve just lost temporarily misplaced my exuberance somewhere out there.  Real Life can do that to me.

Kids, work, bills, chores, carpools, commutes, homework.  Mortgages, grocery shopping, cooking, laundry.  Future-planning, family-blending, relationship-growing.  All of these big & small things require and deserve my precious energy.

Confession:  Sometimes I feel overwhelmed.

Sometimes my goals exhaust me to the point of tears. This is not a bad thing….I just want my exuberance back. Or maybe just my oomph.

“Exuberance is an abounding, ebullient, effervescent emotion. It is kinetic and unrestrained, joyful, irrepressible. It is not happiness, although they share a border. It is instead, at its core, a more restless, billowing state. Certainly it is no lulling sense of contentment: exuberance leaps, bubbles, and overflows, propels its energy through troop and tribe. It spreads upward and outward, like pollen toted by dancing bees, and in this carrying ideas are moved and actions taken.”  – from Exuberance, The Passion for Life by Kay Redfield Jamison

The quote above is taken from Ms. Jamison’s book Exuberance, a fascinating study of this state of being, this “zest for life”.  Interestingly, Dr. Jamison is a psychiatrist & an expert in the field of manic depressive illness and bipolar disorder.  She is also a sufferer of both.  To yearn for this “exuberance” towards my passions is normal and natural & yet I can’t help but feel a bit childish in demanding to know where my ‘get up & go’ went.  To relentlessly seek the upswing and fear the down – well, that seems a little like a junky seeking the constant high. To be okay with the mundane, the “normal”, the day-to-day….this is living.  Living a real life.

Rather than leave me overwhelmed, harried, exhausted….I want my joy and my fire to fill me up.  To buoy me.  Not burn me out.

Instead of chasing that extreme effervescence, I am going to ease into whatever this is.  From past experience, I know that moderation is not my strong suit.  The mellow middle ground is not my favorite place to hang out.  Perhaps part of this 100-day project, for me, is learning to ease into that space, as foreign as it may feel.

 

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