“…he not busy being born is busy dying.” – Bob Dylan
10 years ago, I was newly divorced and very lost. The transition from being a married, stay-at-home mama to finding my way as a single parent was not easy. My little one went to his dad’s in the city every single weekend. I was alone on an island (literally & figuratively) every. single. weekend. Very lost. I did not know how to be alone or fill my time. So I drank. Like a fish. A very sad fish. Drinking transported me (very temporarily and VERY dysfunctionally) outside of myself….to the point that I seemingly had 2 lives. Normal, weekday, responsible Mom-Me and crazy, out of control Weekend-Me. I could write a whole other blog or guidebook entitled ‘Top 20 Things Not to Do When You Get Divorced in Your Mid-30s and Find Yourself Lonely and Lost”. Not gonna write that book. But I could.
I own that time in my life as one of extreme mistake-making. I mean I pretty much did everything the wrong way. The hard way. The idiotic way. The “silver lining”, if there is one, is that I am NOT THERE ANYMORE, and I know it. Perspective is huge. Those hard-earned lessons push me forward daily. As I have said many times to myself: ‘It’s all learning’. During that time, I really had no idea why I was doing what I was doing….Clueless.
It’s nice to be in a mindful, deliberate place now. To be moving forward in an intentional manner. This 100 days project is an example of living deliberately, but being open to the unexpected. Like a science experiment. I’m just grateful I’ve moved past the stage of going into the “lab” without a plan. I’ve long since given up the old crazy lost “me”, but the experimenting need not stop. It’s always time to get “busy living” as Bob says.
This weekend I’ll be running the Lost Lake 50k, (tho i may drop down to the 25k if my mama urge kicks in too strongly & i need to get back early to my baseball-playing Liam!!), up in Bellingham, a race I’ve run twice before. It’s a great early season fitness test for me. This time will be very interesting as a “test run” of how I feel racing on my new no sugar/no crapola plan! Trail as Laboratory, as I like to think of it.
Trial and error is the name of the game in ultrarunning, as in life. I’d like to think I’ve set my errors to the side, over there where I can still see them if I need to, but most definitively to the side, making room for me to get busy living. I’m sure I will fall down, trip up and take some wrong turns but no way will I get lost again. I’ve worked too hard to find this path.